Healing after divorce: let go of the past

By Msgr. Pedro Lopez-Gallo

“No, Father, I do not want to endure a process of nullity; I have so many sad memories and frustrations. Our love turned sour with such hatred that my soul was destroyed,” explained Bertha who, now in a stable civil union with her present husband, had a strong longing to once again receive holy Communion.

I responded, “So, you prefer to continue harbouring all this resentment in your heart, the feelings of guilt and doubts about having offspring, instead of healing and clearing your past? That would be like the young man who was so fearful of having surgery, so afraid of not waking from the anesthesia, that he chose not to remove the malignant growth in his stomach.”

Our tribunal officers, the auditors and notaries, all have one aim in mind: to help the people who, in many cases, have undergone a traumatic marriage – some even violent, an acrimonious divorce, and the grief of the absence of their children.

I can assure you that my tribunal staff, with the compassion and the pastoral experience they possess, play a huge role daily in bringing comfort and healing to these people.

In the event a hostile partner is involved, the belligerent individual may view the process as a farce and will attempt to either halt the process or use all means to prevent a favourable decision being reached.

Psychologists and social workers say that divorce is likened to the death of a loved one, excepting that it involves one who loved under false pretence. Hence the bitterness, guilt, and problems – very often financial – are always on a high emotional level.

It is necessary, therefore, to undertake several steps before an individual can gain the strength to carry on and once again become an active and social member of the community. It goes without saying that the length of this process is not the same for all. Some heal quickly, whereas it will take years for others. Yet a few will never overcome their anguish.

This anguish is particularly intense in the case of the Catholic party, whereas the so-called divorce mentality exists in a non-religious person who believes that marriage is transient and bearable until it becomes unhappy or the love ends. But at the same time, serious conflict arises for a Catholic in the practice of the faith.

With such a mindset, the process becomes doubly difficult and it is perhaps convenient to number the obstacles to a prompt healing:

First, there is the stereotypical Catholic, particularly older ones, who believe that “a Catholic never gets divorced.” To overcome this attitude which can inhibit the annulment process, the Catholic party must be aware of the great amount of self-worth, both in the eyes of God and the community. To hide at home and stay away from the parish only distorts the goal which our Mother Church upholds for our salvation.

Another obstacle is the concern which a party has for the other. Healing will remain stagnant unless mistakes are acknowledged and one accepts that “what is done, is done,” thus letting go of the past. The dynamics of recovery begin when there is no looking back, only a look to the future.

On the other hand it would be wrong to suppress the process of grieving. Tears, anger, or denial are all part of the human condition and are most certainly normal in every sense of the word. One of the requirements when starting a case of nullity is to wait until the divorce, or at least the legal separation, is granted.

This condition has a twofold effect: first it’s intended to avoid a lawsuit claiming alienation of affection, meaning that the Tribunal is not sued for allegedly disrupting the marital status of the parties; and secondly, it is to allow the parties a proper period of grieving.

A serious hindrance in the healing process is the withdrawal of oneself from others. Some people may feel rejected by their community; they stop going to clubs or social functions. They may try to find solace in their work, or worse, turn to alcohol and drugs.

More than ever, the ministry of the Church must offer support, affection and understanding to these people, otherwise, there is the risk of never trusting anyone again.

Finally, in this detrimental situation, divine worship must fill the hurting soul. Only when these persons feel that God is the real hope who can direct them in finding a reason for living under His protection can they undertake a new way of life, perhaps celibacy or a new marriage, after the previous one is annulled.

What must be avoided is to refuse to come to the Tribunal to read the Acts of the case and, even more important, the Definitive Sentence which outlines the facts, the mistakes and the motives of the annulment decision. People are afraid to know who they are and how they are perceived!

The parties will learn so much about what went wrong in the marriage and, acknowledging their mistakes, the chances are better of entering a new, happy union.

Msgr. Lopez-Gallo’s columns are available in two volumes for $20 each from St. Andrew’s Church Supply, 305 W. 8 Ave. in Vancouver, toll-free 1-800-663-7161. Proceeds will go to Hogar de Nazareth Orphanage in Mexico, which he sponsors.