Africa has AIDS: we have ‘huge marriage problem

By LAUREEN McMAHON

“The only age group in which divorce is on the rise is with people over 50. Couples used to stick it out. Not anymore. Enough is enough” (The Twenty-Seven Year Itch, by Anne Kingston, published in the Jan. 29 edition of Maclean’s Magazine).

Dave and Liz Wilkie and their family, sons Mark and Kevin and daughter Heather. Family life is better than ever, they all agree, since Dave and Liz attended a Marriage Encounter weekend.

When 22-year-old Mark Wilkie returned from Africa just before Christmas after volunteering in Malawai with a development organization, he told his mother that he had been very impressed with the attitude of the African people towards marriage.

While Africa suffers from devastating problems such as HIV/AIDS along with disease and grinding poverty, said Mark, “Here in North America we have a huge marriage problem. What you and dad are doing with Marriage Encounter is really important!”

“That was fantastic to hear,” his mother Liz told The B.C. Catholic. “Our son represents the next generation of marriages, and the more we can do to show these young people that marriage can be tremendously fulfilling, the better!”

Over the past four years, since Liz and her husband Dave went on a weekend retreat with Worldwide Marriage Encounter, their children Mark, Heather, and Kevin have had the chance to see their parents’ marriage blossom into a much more loving and supportive relationship.

Dave and Liz recently accepted the position of Marriage Encounter County Co-ordinators with the responsibility of overseeing the program in B.C. and parts of Alberta.

“We heard our kids talking one day,” Liz said with a big smile. “They agreed that things around the house really changed for the better after Dave and I went to Marriage Encounter. We have to admit they were right.”

However, marriage in general isn’t doing too well these days, the Wilkies agree.

In fact, Stephanie Coontz, author of Marriage: A History, points out that it has changed more in the last three decades than in the preceding 3,000 years, with the emphasis shifting from husbands and wives assuming roles such as child-rearing or supporting the family unit to also being responsible for their partner’s personal fulfilment.

In the wake of these expectations, says the sociologist, divorce is on the rise.

Marriage, the Wilkies say, is now considered by many not to be until death do us part, but until “you’re not fulfilling my needs or I’m not fulfilling yours.”

“There’s not the sense of commitment which sees you through the challenges,” said Dave. A problematic trend, he added, is the growing acceptance of such anomalies as the “five-year starter marriage,” where people who no longer feel in love with their partner decide they want to try again with another partner.

Trying again, he added, usually doesn’t include marriage counselling, even though statistics indicate that the chances of one divorce being followed by another (and another?) are pretty high.

“Some people add to the starter marriage a second marriage ‘for the kids’ and then a third for ‘self-fulfilment’ later on,” Dave noted.

This trend, described as “grey divorce,” has made headlines recently.

It seems that couples over 60, 70, and even 80 are choosing to end their marriages, and not necessarily because their relationship is entirely bad or someone is alcoholic, abusive, etc.

Rather, the reasons often mentioned include the decision of one or other of the partners to seek their “freedom,” “identity,” or more “fulfilment.”

Archbishop Raymond Roussin, in a recent editorial, said that he thinks selfishness lies at the heart of these attitudes to marriage.

Coontz suggests that while it may be easy to say to your partner of 40 years, “That’s it, I’m out of here,” a high incidence of loneliness is reported in both single women and single men in later years.

A whole new set of problems arises out of divorce for younger couples, if there are small or adolescent children in the family, Coontz explained.

Early or late, divorce can cause financial havoc for families, as both husbands and wives must recover from the costs of splitting one residence, and often one pension, into two.

“The tools we learned in Marriage Encounter,” said Dave, “not only reconnected us as husband and wife; they reconnected our whole family.”

The remarkable thing about Marriage Encounter, he added, is that, even after 25 years of an “okay” marriage, his and Liz’s relationship reached a whole new level of loving commitment after the program.

The couple met in university and each was immediately attracted to the other. They found they had lots to talk about and they were soon finding excuses to meet between classes.

It didn’t take Dave long to realize that he wanted Liz to be his wife and the couple married, fully expecting to have a happy marriage.

Said Liz, “We entered full of hopes and dreams of a great future together. Soon, however, the day-to-day routines and responsibilities began eroding what had been our happily-ever-after vision. Dave focused on his career, while I took over many of the parenting obligations after the children came along.

The problems, both she and Dave said, were not earth-shattering, just a feeling that, well, this was what marriage was supposed to be, although at times feelings of loneliness welled up in both as they seemed to drift further apart.

“Conversations became infrequent and shallow, and I missed the close moments of our courtship days,” said Dave.

Then, with the couple’s 25th wedding anniversary approaching, Liz had an idea.

She asked Dave to go with her on a Marriage Encounter weekend.

“At first I was reluctant,” said Dave. “I thought our marriage was basically okay, and didn’t want to mess with it. I was afraid that I might have to share our problems with a bunch of strangers. I was nervous and uncomfortable.”

For her part, Liz feared that Dave might not care enough about their marriage to agree to go.

“I was overjoyed when he said yes. I felt eager to spend time away together, removed from the responsibilities of life, where we could spend undivided time focused on each other.”

After listening to the presenting couples describe how Marriage Encounter opened the door to new hope for their relationship, Dave and Liz eagerly began to use the tools for communication they had learned on the weekend.

“That weekend was life-changing,” said Dave. “Immediately we both realized that we really valued our relationship. We were in synch right away, and after a few months, we felt as though we were finally on the same page. Yes, we each still have our separate roles, but we’ve learned it’s okay to not always agree with each other.”

“The key,” added Liz, “was to accept the other person as he or she is. It’s so funny; this is really simple, basic Christianity.”

The couple agree that their capacity for growth has been amazing since their Marriage Encounter weekend.

“We’ve both changed a lot by accepting our differences,” said Dave. “I can’t really say when we stood before the priest that I understood what Christian marriage was supposed to be. Now, with the help of Marriage Encounter, I can say I do. After 25 years, we started to grow, so we’re proof that it’s for everyone, whether they have recently married or are celebrating their 60th or 70th anniversary.”

People may have the opinion, said Dave, that he and Liz are “different,” that the Marriage Encounter experience wouldn’t work for them.

“We’re not any different from anybody else. Going into the weekend, I was ambivalent and doing it for her, and really not expecting to get anything out of it. It came as a wonderful surprise, but as I always say, you get out of it what you put into it.

“You have to start changing priorities, start making your relationship a focus of your life.

“Marriage Encounter is like having a garden shed full of tools that you’re not using. If you want to get rid of the weeds, take a chance and use the tools and pretty soon they will be gone. When you learn and then use the Marriage Encounter tools you’ll find you have a better marriage.”

More information on Marriage Encounter weekends is available at www.rcav.org/MarriageEncounter/index.htm.