Respect for others founded on reverence for life

By Marie Luttrell

This is the last of four columns based on four basic rules followed by students and staff at the school where I work: be on time, be prepared, do your best, respect others. The fourth basic rule is respect others.

When my husband was a Little League coach, one of his pet sayings was, “Look sharp, play sharp.” The kids would quickly straighten caps, pull up socks, and tuck in shirts. It got their attention focussed and readied them to play the game.

He would never tolerate any lip from team members to any coach, to any other player, or to any umpire or parent. “Respect begets respect,” he would tell them. A kid who had been out of line would have that ringing in his ears as he sat out an inning or two.

Respect begets respect. The children responded well. The parents responded with gratitude. The demand that respect placed on everyone led not only to higher levels of interaction, but more pride in being on the team, and in many instances a better played game. Respect put a necessary boundary on behaviour, and lent a discipline to the team that was evident.

Ours is a time when respect is appreciated by society, but, sadly, adults do not always demand it from their children or from each other. In an effort to allow more openness and honesty in day-to-day dealings and in relationships within families, people sometimes disregard the necessary framework of respect. In that framework, the dealings between people recognize their common humanity.

As with other common-sense attributes, which need to be reinforced in many small ways if they are to become ingrained, the foundation has to come from a deeper place. For me, it comes from reverence for life. We acknowledge that we are creatures; that God is God, and we are not God. In gratitude, humility, and love, we acknowledge that God created all life, all people; and in reverence, we treat one another with respect.

One does not necessarily have to have a religious basis for this, but it certainly helps when we teach our children to respect others. It is not one of those things that is so much taught overtly, but absorbed as part of an overall picture.

We all know families which seem to simply radiate respect. The parents are hospitable, the children polite and friendly. We stand in awe and say, “How do they do that?”

After observing good families and trying to incorporate this reverence and respect into our own family, here are a few things I have seen:

These families make time for one another, and enjoy each other’s company. Children and adults know love and security in the home without having to be consciously aware of it all the time.

These parents lead. Their role as parents is authoritative, not authoritarian. They realize that children need parents who are friends, not adult friends who happen to be parents.

These families have meals together. There is no better time to respect children than to listen to the stories of their days around the dinner table. The tone of this gathering time sets the tone for the rest of the day.

These families find communities of support. Sometimes it feels as if parents are swimming upstream constantly. Extended families, parishes, schools, and circles of friends are all given mutual support in raising their children.

These families demand respect from others as well. They speak up and ask other children to toe the line. A mother whom I particularly admired once stopped her car to break up a fight. She gave me the courage to do the same.

Some time ago, I watched a boy stupidly dart across a street in traffic rather than wait for the crossing light, and he nearly caused a senior to plough into oncoming traffic. I pulled over, got out, found him, and spoke to him sternly.

He looked at me defiantly, and said, “Lady, who do you think you are?” “I am an adult,” I replied. “I care that you grow up well.” He shot me a look that would kill, and stormed off.

He might have forgotten that incident, but it stays with me. My faith in the goodness of how God created us demanded that I act, and ask that this child, who thought his needs more important than anyone else’s, respect the rights of others.

These families have few rules but much positive discipline. A wise father told me once that children need discipline until they learn to discipline themselves. Rules impose the external structure, but don’t necessarily build the interior discipline to grow a backbone.

Rules are like a railing: you should use them only when you need them. (I find it interesting that in our society, which seems to have forgotten about God, we have hundreds of thousands of rules and laws. God gave Moses 10. Jesus gave us two.)

The prayer of Saint Francis has a line, “It is in giving to all men that we receive.” God designed us this way.

It works for love: in giving love to others that we learn to love ourselves. It also works for respect: in respecting others we learn to respect ourselves.

It might be some of our most difficult work as parents, but we have a Parent in heaven who has shown us the way.